Family Life

Toddler Rules That Drive Parent Crazy

If it is on, I must turn it off.
If it is off, I must turn it on.

If it is a liquid, it must be shaken, then spilled.
If it a solid, it must be crumbled, chewed or smeared.

If it is not trash, it must be thrown away.
If it is in the trash, it must be removed, inspected, and thrown on the floor.

If it is closed, it must be opened.
If it does not open, it must be screamed at.

If it is full, it will be more interesting emptied.
If it is empty, it will be more interesting full.

If it is a pencil, it must write on the refrigerator, monitor, or table.
If it is paper, it must be torn.
If it is toilet paper, it must be unrolled on the floor.

If it has drawers, they must be rifled.
If it is a drawer, it must be pulled upon.

If it has buttons, they must be pressed.
If the volume is low, it must go high.

If it is a bug, it must be swallowed.
If it doesn’t stay on my spoon, it must be dropped on the floor.
If it is not food, it must be tasted.
If it IS food, it must not be tasted.

If it is stroller, it must under no circumstances be ridden in without protest. It must be pushed by me instead.
If it is a car seat, it must be protested with arched back.

If it has leaves, they must be picked.
If it is a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon.

If it is plugged, it must be unplugged.
If it is shelved, it must be unshelved.
If it is high, it must be reached.

If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon.
If it is a toothbrush, it must be inserted into my mouth.
If it has a faucet, it must be turned on at full force.
If it is a phone, I must talk to it.

If it is folded, I must unfold it.
If it is pointed, it must be run with at top speed.
If it is dry, it must be made wet with drool, milk, or toilet water.

If Mommy’s hands are full, I must be carried.
If Mommy is in a hurry and wants to carry me, I must walk alone.
If it is Mommy, it must be hugged.

By Angelia Embler

Angi grew up in southern Arizona but now lives in central New Mexico with her husband, two sons and four dogs. She creates, answers @Yoast support, and loves to ramble. Find her curled up with a book or watching her favorite TV shows, movies, or American football game. ?

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